Step 1: Progress

Yay for me! I finished the writing for the first step. I am unsure how many times I have been around the 12 step loop now, but it has been a handful and this is the first time that I have finished all the writing. And whatta you know! It is super helpful! I am excited to continue in the writing.

There were a couple questions asked in the manual that I wanted to share:

1) Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

I have attempted to overcome my addictions and shortcomings by setting goals and making lists. However, this has led to unmet goals and feelings of failure and feelings of poor self worth. It took me, up until last year, and I still work on it, to realize that I am not a failure, but only ill equipped to fix these problems on my own. However, my Savior is all powerful and all knowing. With his help I can over come all things.

I look back at times when I have struggled to overcome and have been left with feelings of depression and despair. The thought came to be that perhaps I have felt that way because my Spirit knows the truth. That I cannot overcome on my own. As I set out on a new plan that I have devised on my own, my Spirit knows that impending doom awaits because I have failed, once again, to ask for the appropriate help. This makes sense to me as to why I would feel a surge of excitement when making new plans which would then be followed by feelings of depression.

Realizing this made sense to me. I now plan on asking the Lord for help to set my goals and make my plans.

2) ...We learn that our souls can hunger. Do you ever feel empty inside, even when you are not physically hungry? What causes that emptiness?

I once heard the statement "You can never get enough of nothing." I realize that I have spent my life trying to fill the void, the hunger, I have felt with external things. I would shop, eat, sleep, (I know, in theory that doesn't sound so bad) I would call friends to validate my view on things and tell me I was o.k.. It is amazing how much effort I would have to go through to feel better. Even then it didn't always work (the worst is going to a store and not finding anything you like) and if it did work, if I did feel better, at best it was only temporary.

What I have learned is that, in contrast, such a small amount of truth, such as reading an Ensign article, can fill me with light and hope that will last throughout the day and then some. Have you heard about the gospel!!! It is amazing to me that applying the principles in my life really does bring me peace and fills my hungry soul.

O.k., one more question from the manual.

3) Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others. How has this behavior caused "ugliness and chaos" ?

I have spent my life blaming my addictions, codependency, lack of follow through, lack of trust, etc... on my parents. Things like "I never felt loved. They weren't there for me, they fought all the time, if only they would have done_____better." If only they would have done something different, something better I would be further along on the road than I am today. I have beat that horse into the ground. I have come to realize holding onto this way of thinking has allowed me to see myself as a victim. To tell myself that I am a tiny boat on a huge sea in the middle of a Tsunami. That has been exhausting. I have yet to finish my degree, I muddle along in my business and I have dated men that were below standard because of my unwillingness to take personal responsibility. My efforts to hide my addictions, and the cause of them, has truly brought ugliness and chaos into my life.

That last one may have sounded like a downer. But I am filled with hope. I know that realizing my choices are my own, means that I can change. Surely, with the Lords help I can do all things. The taking responsibility for my actions/thoughts, has already helped me finish the writing for the first step!

Step 1: Honesty

I am somewhat shocked that I am posting Step 1! I had wanted to start this blog the last time around the horn but procrastinated it. But here I am growing and moving forward!

Step 1: Honesty
Key Principal: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

I am always excited to start over at Step 1. I am filled with hope that this time I will do all the writing for the steps and truly turn my will over to the Lord. One thing that sometimes trips me up is that I start jumping ahead of myself. On Step 1 I am already focusing on turning my will over to the Lord which seems like a big, scary and sometimes impossible task. Then, I read the step again. All this step asks me to do is admit that I am powerless over my addictions, (and other people! For all us co-dependents!) and that my life has become unmanageable. That's it! Well, I can do that. I AM POWERLESS TO OVERCOME MY ADDICTIONS ON MY OWN AND MY LIFE (SPECIFIC PARTS) HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. I have said it before. This time I hope to put my time where my mouth is and work the steps. Writing that just now doesn't seem very committed.....so let me rephrase. I will work the steps. This means I will do the writing for each step. I may put some of the writing on here but some may be too personal. I will start my journal tonight with step 1 questions and let you know how it goes.

Today I had a fairly downer of a day. I got up, read my scriptures and said my prayers. I just felt, well, yucky. Tonight at the meeting, while pondering the step, I wondered why I didn't fall back on my knees and pray until I felt better? Or read my scriptures UNTIL I felt better? I realize that sometimes I say my prayers or read my scriptures to check them off my invisible to do list. But am I really utilizing them to their full potential? This is my plan...part of the plan. The next time I feel down, which can hit without warning, I will kneel and pray and then stay on my knees until I feel better. I am going to post a quote on my office wall that will remind me to do that. (It is always easy to see solutions when your mood is up.) I think doing this will be a small step in turning my will over to the Lord. Usually I mope around, watch a movie or call my friends. This is only a temporary fix.

Another thing I need the Lords help with is finishing my internet math class. It is a long story but the bottom line is I need to have it done by April 9th. I struggle with feelings of anxiety and lack confidence when it comes to doing my math. I try to do it on my own, which is the problem. Really I don't do it because I hate it and really don't want to. However, I must finish it to get my degree. I have attempted and failed at many strategies to finish this class. The one thing I haven't done is inquire of the Lord to help me make a reasonable plan that will get me through it.

Here is my honesty about Math and not having done the writing for the 12
Steps:

Math

• I hate it I don't want to do it
• Ok, I don't really hate IT, I hate that it reminds me of my dad with whom I felt dumb and inadequate around.
• I want to avoid doing the math so I can avoid those feelings.
• If I don't finish this math class by April I will have proof that I am not good at math or at finishing things.
• I am comfortable with failure and being a victim
• I am not sure, even as I am writing this, if I will finish the class
• I feel overwhelmed at the idea of tackling it
• If I don't finish it I can always tell myself that I could have if I really wanted to.......
• I just would rather do other things, ANY other thing with my time.

• A degree isn't as important to me as what others think of me for not having one.

Not Doing the Writing Portion of the Steps:

• I am lazy
• I have so much stuff going on in my head, I wouldn't know where to begin
• I am overwhelmed by the idea of thinking through my problems
• I think I am fine and don't really need the writing portion
• I procrastinate it
• I don't make it a priority

Well now, that is some pretty good honesty. So what are my plans? Good question. Right now I will get all my math materials and put them in a neat pile by my desk so I know they where they are. Tomorrow (that sounds so much like a procrastinator!) I will look at the schedule of lessons and write out the days I will study/take tests on my calendar. I intend to inquire of the Lord before I do this. I hope that he can show me a manageable way to work through this. With my 12 step work, I am going to open up a word document right now, title it journal and then answer the first question for step one.....I will let you know how that goes.

Second Grand Opening!!!!

So, here I am again intending to launch the blog....I obviously need the 12 step program to help me end my procrastination....more on that later.

I attended a Addiction Recovery Fireside on Sunday Jan 13 and it was excellent! Anyone in the area who has not attended should definitely put it on their calendar. They are once a month and I have not yet attended one where the speaker wasn't excellent! This past Sunday the speaker was Jack Christianson and his topic was on "Healing the Wounded Soul" Some of the points that stood out to me are:

• Contention and anger make us lose the Spirit. As soon as we lose the Spirit we don't see clearly.
• In Moses Chapter 5 (Pearl of Great Price) Satan speaks to Cain and tempts him. It was pointed out that after Cain slew Abel he said "I am free" (5:33) but just five verses later (5:38) he declares, "my punishment is greater than I can bear". This shows that Satan will promise anything to seal the deal...much like many subcontractors (jk) and then drop you and leave you alone to feel the pain and other emotional/physical consequences of your actions.
• Breaking the word of wisdom smells. If lying or gossiping smelled the church building would stink!

• The Lord gives us trials that we may learn to testify of him with authenticity
• The Lord heals us from the inside out
• You cannot force anything that is spiritual.
• President Faust once said People need massive doses of spiritual oxygen. And then, when asked what more can be done for those struggling with addiction, "get them to hold faster and tighter to the iron rod"
• When we truly get into the scriptures, it begins to get inside us and fill the void.
• We are not bad, we are wounded.
• The weakness that God has given us is our body, our humanity.
• President Faust also said, "the scriptures are the best washing machine for unclean thoughts"
• However dim our life may be, the Lord's has been darker.
• Wounds in the Saviors feet and hands shows that pain happens to eve the pure.

I really appreciated brother Christianson's talk. The overall message was that we are not bad but wounded. That our Savior Jesus Christ has been through more than we can imagine and he knows exactly what we need. His last message was to read the scriptures and to keep reading them. If we feel bad, keep reading them and read them more.

I know that I have gained a testimony of the Book of Mormon this past year. I just read the entire Book of Mormon for the first time this past year. I started out reading just a verse or two. Honestly, I didn't get a lot out of it at first. But as I consistently read the words came alive for me. I began reading a chapter at a time and then two. I can now say that I love the Book of Mormon and crave to read it. This year we are studying the Book of Mormon in church. I know that it was written for this time we live in; To help us avoid the temptations of Satan and know that our Savior Jesus Christ both loves us and continually rallies on our behalf.

Grand Opening!

Hello All! I am finally writing my first post! Anyone who knows me can relate when I say I have been procrastinating writing a post because it is exhausting to write down everything I think! For those of you who don't know me, I'm a talker!

I really wanted to start this blog when our group started with step one again, however, I procrastinated and now we are on step 5 this Wednesday! Well I am learning that I don't have to do things perfectly. Every step I take, no matter how small, outside my circle of comfort and my cycle of bad habits, sets me on a path of new possibilities. So here goes with my first post which happens to be about the fireside I attended tonight.

Once a month a fireside is organized for the ARP program and PASAG program. Tonight the speaker was Phil Harrision, author of Clean Hands, Pure Heart. (I met his wife Colleen Harrison, author of He Did Deliver Me from Bondage and she was lovely) ANYwho, Brother Harrison spoke about his recovery from addiction. The key part being his development of a personal testimony of Jesus Christ. Here are some of the points that stood out to me:

• The Lord misses me when I am not spiritually near him.

• Jesus Christ is not only the source of truth but the source of power.

• You can't hide your sins from the Lord. He went on to share this example:

Imagine that you return to the Savior, all dressed in white in your beautiful resurrected state, to be evaluated by Him. In your hands behind your back you hold your coffee pot, or whatever addiction you struggle with, fill in the blank. This would never do. We must not hide our sins behind our backs but hold them in front of us; outstretched to the Lord, and ask him to take them from us.

• How do we get the courage to let go and believe that His way will be better and bring us happiness? {This is the big question and here's the answer: It is a gift He will give us}

• If we only have the desire to believe...whatever we have, the Lord will work with us.

• The Lord will give us the willingness to let go of what we see as the "positive" or the thrill of our addictions.

• However long it takes, it's alright. The Lord is going to help us and it will be fine.

• Because this change of heart is from the inside out you may not notice it right away. Your spouse may not notice it, your bishop may not notice it, but it is change, however small.

• We do not have to concern ourselves with our addiction. We only have to surrender it to the Lord.

• A Broken heart and a contrite spirit means we are willing to stop being God and let Him be God.

He ended with a scripture: 2 Nephi 33:6 I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell.

I am truly grateful to have a testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ. I know that he has personally carried me at times when I felt hopeless and alone. I know that he loves me and is patient with my efforts to improve. I am looking forward to sharing my hope and my testimony with other sisters.