Step 1: Honesty

I am somewhat shocked that I am posting Step 1! I had wanted to start this blog the last time around the horn but procrastinated it. But here I am growing and moving forward!

Step 1: Honesty
Key Principal: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

I am always excited to start over at Step 1. I am filled with hope that this time I will do all the writing for the steps and truly turn my will over to the Lord. One thing that sometimes trips me up is that I start jumping ahead of myself. On Step 1 I am already focusing on turning my will over to the Lord which seems like a big, scary and sometimes impossible task. Then, I read the step again. All this step asks me to do is admit that I am powerless over my addictions, (and other people! For all us co-dependents!) and that my life has become unmanageable. That's it! Well, I can do that. I AM POWERLESS TO OVERCOME MY ADDICTIONS ON MY OWN AND MY LIFE (SPECIFIC PARTS) HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. I have said it before. This time I hope to put my time where my mouth is and work the steps. Writing that just now doesn't seem very committed.....so let me rephrase. I will work the steps. This means I will do the writing for each step. I may put some of the writing on here but some may be too personal. I will start my journal tonight with step 1 questions and let you know how it goes.

Today I had a fairly downer of a day. I got up, read my scriptures and said my prayers. I just felt, well, yucky. Tonight at the meeting, while pondering the step, I wondered why I didn't fall back on my knees and pray until I felt better? Or read my scriptures UNTIL I felt better? I realize that sometimes I say my prayers or read my scriptures to check them off my invisible to do list. But am I really utilizing them to their full potential? This is my plan...part of the plan. The next time I feel down, which can hit without warning, I will kneel and pray and then stay on my knees until I feel better. I am going to post a quote on my office wall that will remind me to do that. (It is always easy to see solutions when your mood is up.) I think doing this will be a small step in turning my will over to the Lord. Usually I mope around, watch a movie or call my friends. This is only a temporary fix.

Another thing I need the Lords help with is finishing my internet math class. It is a long story but the bottom line is I need to have it done by April 9th. I struggle with feelings of anxiety and lack confidence when it comes to doing my math. I try to do it on my own, which is the problem. Really I don't do it because I hate it and really don't want to. However, I must finish it to get my degree. I have attempted and failed at many strategies to finish this class. The one thing I haven't done is inquire of the Lord to help me make a reasonable plan that will get me through it.

Here is my honesty about Math and not having done the writing for the 12
Steps:

Math

• I hate it I don't want to do it
• Ok, I don't really hate IT, I hate that it reminds me of my dad with whom I felt dumb and inadequate around.
• I want to avoid doing the math so I can avoid those feelings.
• If I don't finish this math class by April I will have proof that I am not good at math or at finishing things.
• I am comfortable with failure and being a victim
• I am not sure, even as I am writing this, if I will finish the class
• I feel overwhelmed at the idea of tackling it
• If I don't finish it I can always tell myself that I could have if I really wanted to.......
• I just would rather do other things, ANY other thing with my time.

• A degree isn't as important to me as what others think of me for not having one.

Not Doing the Writing Portion of the Steps:

• I am lazy
• I have so much stuff going on in my head, I wouldn't know where to begin
• I am overwhelmed by the idea of thinking through my problems
• I think I am fine and don't really need the writing portion
• I procrastinate it
• I don't make it a priority

Well now, that is some pretty good honesty. So what are my plans? Good question. Right now I will get all my math materials and put them in a neat pile by my desk so I know they where they are. Tomorrow (that sounds so much like a procrastinator!) I will look at the schedule of lessons and write out the days I will study/take tests on my calendar. I intend to inquire of the Lord before I do this. I hope that he can show me a manageable way to work through this. With my 12 step work, I am going to open up a word document right now, title it journal and then answer the first question for step one.....I will let you know how that goes.