Step 1: Progress

Yay for me! I finished the writing for the first step. I am unsure how many times I have been around the 12 step loop now, but it has been a handful and this is the first time that I have finished all the writing. And whatta you know! It is super helpful! I am excited to continue in the writing.

There were a couple questions asked in the manual that I wanted to share:

1) Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

I have attempted to overcome my addictions and shortcomings by setting goals and making lists. However, this has led to unmet goals and feelings of failure and feelings of poor self worth. It took me, up until last year, and I still work on it, to realize that I am not a failure, but only ill equipped to fix these problems on my own. However, my Savior is all powerful and all knowing. With his help I can over come all things.

I look back at times when I have struggled to overcome and have been left with feelings of depression and despair. The thought came to be that perhaps I have felt that way because my Spirit knows the truth. That I cannot overcome on my own. As I set out on a new plan that I have devised on my own, my Spirit knows that impending doom awaits because I have failed, once again, to ask for the appropriate help. This makes sense to me as to why I would feel a surge of excitement when making new plans which would then be followed by feelings of depression.

Realizing this made sense to me. I now plan on asking the Lord for help to set my goals and make my plans.

2) ...We learn that our souls can hunger. Do you ever feel empty inside, even when you are not physically hungry? What causes that emptiness?

I once heard the statement "You can never get enough of nothing." I realize that I have spent my life trying to fill the void, the hunger, I have felt with external things. I would shop, eat, sleep, (I know, in theory that doesn't sound so bad) I would call friends to validate my view on things and tell me I was o.k.. It is amazing how much effort I would have to go through to feel better. Even then it didn't always work (the worst is going to a store and not finding anything you like) and if it did work, if I did feel better, at best it was only temporary.

What I have learned is that, in contrast, such a small amount of truth, such as reading an Ensign article, can fill me with light and hope that will last throughout the day and then some. Have you heard about the gospel!!! It is amazing to me that applying the principles in my life really does bring me peace and fills my hungry soul.

O.k., one more question from the manual.

3) Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others. How has this behavior caused "ugliness and chaos" ?

I have spent my life blaming my addictions, codependency, lack of follow through, lack of trust, etc... on my parents. Things like "I never felt loved. They weren't there for me, they fought all the time, if only they would have done_____better." If only they would have done something different, something better I would be further along on the road than I am today. I have beat that horse into the ground. I have come to realize holding onto this way of thinking has allowed me to see myself as a victim. To tell myself that I am a tiny boat on a huge sea in the middle of a Tsunami. That has been exhausting. I have yet to finish my degree, I muddle along in my business and I have dated men that were below standard because of my unwillingness to take personal responsibility. My efforts to hide my addictions, and the cause of them, has truly brought ugliness and chaos into my life.

That last one may have sounded like a downer. But I am filled with hope. I know that realizing my choices are my own, means that I can change. Surely, with the Lords help I can do all things. The taking responsibility for my actions/thoughts, has already helped me finish the writing for the first step!